Another lesson that I learned about the grueling pace was about pushing limits. So often I wanted to just slow it down and enjoy ourselves a bit. So often I wanted to stay in one place and explore every tree and find every creature that lived there and again….just slow it all down. However nice that may have felt if given the chance, we would not have reached our objective. We had a destination, a pick up point that we had to reach at a certain time. How much time have I spent trying to slow things down, when perhaps what I need to do is speed things up and get my feet moving from rock to rock and get my butt across that muddy pond. I was happy to learn that I was able to keep out there on the trails and I intentionally grabbed the heaviest packs that I could as I was proving to myself that I not only "still have it," but actually have more of "it" than I ever did before. Being a Mechanic in the Marine Reserve was nowhere near the experience I had envisioned for myself in my service to the country when I signed the paperwork in 1999. My brother, Mike, was an 0311 (infantryman) at the time I joined and encouraged me to join the Reserve. The only option here in Nebraska was a Maintenance unit where I was given the job of a Engineer Equipment Mechanic. I remember talking to my recruiter: "If we ever go to war, I'm not going to be turning wrenches will I? I'm not going to be stuck on base if we go to war." It was replied with almost a snicker as if it were a stupid question: "Son, every Marine is a basic rifleman, if your country calls you to war, you'll be called to war, not to fix a forklift." Needless to say, when I went to war, I was on base…fixing forklifts. It was while there in 2007 that my brother was killed near Baghdad and any plans to transfer to a combat related career either through military or private security quickly disappeared. I've always regretted not doing something combat related, and knock myself down many pegs anytime I'm around veterans who are, but that's something I need to own and squash myself. A large piece of me died along with my brother, and that wound has only been deepened after my sister was killed last Easter in a motor vehicle accident while on the way to see my grandmother who was in the hospital due to a stroke, who passed away in July of 2014. I had been separated from wife for nearly a year at that time as I'd stayed in California to pursue my acting career and did not want to come back to Nebraska to live what I thought was "too simple of a life." I was offered a job with an organization in I participated with in San Diego and it was then that I realized if I took it….it would be the point of no return. I asked if I could have time to go back to Nebraska to talk things over with my wife in person, they said yes. I went back to Nebraska and I wasn't present…I wanted to be back in California and on my bike along the sunny coast, with the acting career always still a possibility. I chose to go back to California, when I got back…it was too late, the position was no longer open. I was lost. I put my attention back to another organization that I was involved with and went all in. Unfortunately, when I applied for a fellowship there I forgot to turn in my military DD-214, which was a requirement in the process. "Try again next year" I was told. I didn't have time for next year…I needed help, direction, then and there. Everything came circling around and I realized that all I really needed in my life was family. Family is all I had ever wished for, and I decided that my marriage should've been my first priority. By that time, however, it was too late, and my wife asked for a divorce. I broke her heart by staying in CA, then mine was broken when I couldn't come back home. I've beaten myself over this and that is another blog entirely. Death and rejection has battered me down over the past few years, and my confidence level has been at an all time low. I ended up going back to school in Nebraska to finish a degree that I started 10 years ago and may not end up pursuing. The past 9 months were spent sleeping in a home under construction, the first 5 months on a cot, the entire time with a hot plate to cook on and a space heater to stay warm. Most all of my friends have left Lincoln and my main companion was my Chocolate Lab, Bella, who is leaving us far too early due to Cancer. I applied for a work study at the school to work in the Fire Protection building to try and get in the mindset of a Firefighter as full immersion is my style of learning. However, it was denied for various reasons…partly due to income that still showed my ex-wife's income, and partly due to having taken too long to finish the program I started years prior. As I said, rejection has been a common theme and the confidence has been battered. I've openly shared the out of body experience that I felt most of the time I was going to school as I felt as if my body was moving and mouth speaking to which I had no control. "This isn't what I wanted to do." "Why am I here?," I often thought to myself as I felt that I threw off my entire course of action, which was to try and This is where the lesson learned comes into play. I've shared openly many of the hardships, and just as I did in this rant above, left out any accomplishments, any great things that I've done over the past few years to which I'd never have expected myself to be able to do had you asked me a few years ago. I need to change my own perception of my life and take my own advice of focusing on the positive.
This trip to the Boundary Waters, its fast pace, the heavy workload, and how I was able to overcome every obstacle and keep a smile on my face, as well as put a few on the faces of others along the way was exactly what I needed to jump start my confidence and remind me that I can push past the limitations that I've put on myself. It reminded me of why my friends tell me: "I don't know why you're not confident, you've done so many things with your life." So then I thought about some the accomplishments…and reminded myself to not let the few negatives outweigh the many positives. With that in mind for the above recollection of the past few years, it would be changed to include such things as: Achieving the rank of SSgt before discharging after 10 years in the reserve. Following a childhood dream and becoming a SAG Actor after only a few months in Los Angeles, making it to the Advanced class at the Groundling's Improv School with absolutely no experience. Starring in a few short films that I was very happy to be involved with, putting in the work to get the footage, experience, connections, and move forward. Meeting many people that I'd dreamed of meeting for many years, such as being able to meet and tell Jack Black that he was my reason for moving to Hollywood to pursue acting. Meeting Ben Affleck on the set of Argo when my friend Tony and I were specifically asked to come shoot a small scene in the embassy Armory. Earning nearly as much money in one day's work on Jeep commercial that I did in a year as an active duty Marine SSgt. Getting a small, one-time role on a showtime show and having Matt LeBlanc tell me that I'm funny. Meeting Kevin Bacon and telling him about his great work in "Taking Chance" and how much that paralleled my own story. Making countless good friends and connections in "the industry." Being a part of a play in the American Legion Hollywood Post that was produced by the playwright himself. I made YouTube partner with my impersonation tutorials. I was interviewed to be a part of a makeover show with veterans giving back to communities, and was pitched to the network as a host. I worked with a promotion agency where I quickly moved to field supervisor and made great money by simply demonstrating the Kinect for X-box, later being offered a job to manage the X-Box One tour in the LA market, which I declined due to trying to get another job with a Vet Org. Cycling 500 miles each in California, Texas, Italy and climbing Alp D'huez in France with other Veterans as well as mountain biking in the Red Rocks near Las Vegas. The first trip barely finishing, the last being strong enough to help others along the way, making friends with countless Veterans along the way. Getting to be a part of a trial program where Buzz Aldrin is helping give flight lessons to Veterans as therapy, getting an autographed book from him that will be a keepsake for a lifetime and passed down to the children I hope to someday have. Flying to Haiti to help 3 friends teach first aid classes and filter water for local schools and churches. Joining a disaster relief organization that repurposed Veteran's skills to work in disaster zones. With them I would deploy as a team member to floods in Marseilles Illinois, as a Team Leader to massive tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, floods in Lions Colorado, Operations Manager for the Tornado in Baxter Springs, Kansas, and Incident Commander for the tornado here at home in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. I was able to pay my respects and honor my sister and grandmothers passing by singing Amazing Grace at their funerals. I traveled with a bud to a Veterans program in Malibu called Save a Warrior, to which he couldn't fly alone due to his struggles with anxiety and within a few weeks I helped him facilitate his Beta Project in Kansas City which is now fully functioning. I came back to school in Nebraska to finish the Fire Protection Program that I started in 2005, got all A's except for a B+ in EMT, and graduated with a 3.5 GPA 12 days ago. I ran my first 1/2 Marathon with Team RWB, and ran strong as I helped carry the flag along with our group that started and finished together. I passed the certification to obtain the Hazardous Materials Operations level certification and I passed the National Registry Skills test without needing a single retest, which few were able to do. I had great reviews while working in the ER during my clinical as I hopped in 150% and stayed an hour later than scheduled just to see more patients because I didn't want to stop learning. I've been there for many good friends, and have heard the phrase "you saved my life" more than once. I've helped a friend get a handle on his drinking problem during his divorce, I've been there for many people to talk to and to lean on. I honored my brother on Memorial Day by dressing in my Blues and taking part in the ceremony in the Cemetery that bares his headstone. All the while, I've been able to take photographs of many beautiful things along the way and really find a medium of art that I'm happy with and don't judge. I've found a new way of sharing my experiences and visions with the world. Prints of mine are now living in many parts of the country and I'm so happy to see that people have a little piece of me on their walls. I've been asked to be a part of local Art Center and will be sharing my photos on the walls of the VA here in Lincoln. Which, if you recall from above, was one of my very next stepping stones.
Wow…looking at all of that in a written form truly makes my chin rise and my back straighten up, not with a sense of arrogance or ego, but rather a sense of accomplishment and compassion to let myself off the hook. To stop beating myself up for what I don't have, what I've lost, where I'm not at, and be proud of what I still have, what I've done, and where I've been. This is not at all where I intended this writing to end up…but I'm not going to edit it. I'm going to let it be and let it flow as is. The key is to remember to keep these lessons learned and apply them to everyday life, to quit telling the old stories and operate with a "New Narrative." I'm looking forward to sharing this post, and then being done telling stories of the past and working to live in the present. Outward Bound's trip was full of metaphors for life lessons not only because of what I experienced, but because the energy and ethos there supports and encourages it. They preach compassion and inclusion, and their methods work. Our instructors were some of the greatest people I've ever met on the planet, and they were as real as people come. Not only were they real, they were extremely positive and downright skillful. No skills are more valuable than that of minimalistic survival, starting fires with wet wood, using rope for a million things and knowing all the right knots to use, catching fish, then filleting and cooking them over an open flame, canoeing and navigating efficiently. I have so many good things to say about the instructors that I may just type another blog for them so that this post can end at some point. Jesse and Lisa are their names, and I hope to keep them in my life for many years to come. Absolutely great people, with good hearts and strong work ethic.
To keep in the theme of sharing the positive, let me finish by sharing with you a few more of the great experiences of the trip. I'll try to keep it simple with pictures and short descriptions. Some things that I was not able to capture on camera but I'd still like to share by description are: The beautiful Loon and it's majestic sound. If you've never heard the wail of a Loon, it sets the mood to make you feel as if you are truly in the wilderness, amongst creatures that are wild. We were able to get very close to a few here and there but the pictures never turned out. Another great "Nature Moment" that I swore I had a picture of but cannot find (I took a few pictures with a friend's camera so it may be on his) was a Dragonfly emerging from its nymph stage. I had no idea the big scary looking bugs that they are before they make the transition. It was very similar to the Cicada, as it's shell stayed clung to the rock. There were also a few mama ducks with their ducklings behind or on their backs. Most of us saw our first wild moose, but unfortunately it was laying dead in the water…it was a sad sight and I purposely didn't take a picture, I'll also spare you from describing the smell. We couldn't be sure as to what killed it, but apparently parasites have been killing moose in the Boundary Waters for sometime. My favorite moment may have just been hearing a wolf howl late in the night, it was absolutely magical. I couldn't help but to think to what his cry meant…what he looked like…just everything about him. A very patriotic moment was when a beautiful bald eagle flew directly over our canoes and we all stopped paddling to take in the beauty and appreciate the significance. The last day of excursion, after our gear was checked in, after the ropes course, and after time with the Sled Dogs (of course I have a picture to share of the dogs,) we were able to enjoy a sauna heated by a wood stove. We poured some water with a few drops of eucalyptus oil over the rocks and breathing that in through the mouth and out through the nose which opened the airway and seemed to clean out any gunk we had accrued over the week. We transitioned every 10 minutes, from the heat of the sauna, to the refreshing cold of the river, using the sand to exfoliate our skin. The trip was finished with an amazing display of the northern lights. Seeing this capped off the surreal experience of being in the northern wilderness. Seeing the lights in such a fashion has always been a dream of mine since I first saw them on a nature show when I was a young boy. Yet again, another dream lived. Thank you so much to Outward Bound for making all of this possible.
